I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize