omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
