If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
