i may or may not be watching the land before time
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
