I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Randomize
