70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
