You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
