who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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