I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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