WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize