When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Damn victory sex feels great
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
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