I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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