You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I like my sex mixed with concussions.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
