my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
