I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize