You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
My vagina is officially offended.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
