were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
