You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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