if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
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