Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Dicks are not precious.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize