A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
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