I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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