I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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