I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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