life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Randomize
