You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize