I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
