Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
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