so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
