ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
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