I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
