good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
