im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
