I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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