Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
