Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
