So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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