Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
