my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
They took my balls.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Randomize