Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize