My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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