I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
