Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Randomize
