Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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