my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Your penis caused this!
Randomize
