The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
two words...techno handjob
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize