I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
