She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
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