i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
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