Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
