Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
i've created a new STD.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
