Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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