i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
