At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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