it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
