Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
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