Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Randomize
