Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Randomize
