Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
