so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
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